This has got to be the saddest picture I have ever taken. Not because she's not adorable in her new Halloween costume, because she totally is, but because Sophie is just so sad behind that smile. I can't think about it too much, or I start to cry. Sophie isn't really smiling here. She's smiling through very real tears. She was trying to put on a brave face--because her mommy was mad at her. My heart is seriously breaking.
For the past week or two, anytime Sophie doesn't get what she wants, she starts to cry and walks away and has a 'mini' fit. She doesn't throw herself down and have full-blown temper tantrums, but she makes 'mad' faces and clenches her fists and goes and sits away from me or whoever is bothering her. She's not asking for help-or simply choosing something else-and her frustration is truly getting the best of her.
In this picture, Sophie was so sad because she was comparing her shoes (which were 2 sizes too big) to the giant pumpkin on the window. She was trying to tell me how big they were on her feet-like how big the pumpkin looked on the window. I was so focused on trying to take her picture in her new costume that I got confused about what in the world she was talking about and really upset her. Her frustration thresh-hold is unusually low and it took me some time to figure out that my frustration thresh-hold is even lower than hers.
Thankfully, I am finally aware of it. Whenever I encounter a parenting problem -in any area -I consult my smart love book. It reminded me that when my child is frustrated I need to react with loving regulation and comfort until the frustration subsides--not anger or withdrawal of my love and attention-and certainly not harsh words and consequences~that's demeaning. Only in this way can she learn how to deal with life's ups and downs while simultaneously experiencing the esteem-boosting type of loving relationship she has with me at all times. Otherwise I run the risk of teaching her that I want her to be upset when she gets frustrated with others OR that her frustrated feelings are OK--when in fact they are not. They are normal, but not OK--I sure don't want her to walk around frustrated all the time.
Well, you know what I have been doing lately?
Sophie: Mommy, I want more candy!
Me: Sorry Sophie-you'll get a tummyache.
Then -- when she cries I get all mad that she isn't understanding and accepting. Ew. I get mad because she is mad. This is just when she is upset. When I'm frustrated? Um, I clench my fists, make my mean face and stomp away. Seriously! Holy cow! I am the one crying over the spilled milk--because I'm the one who has to clean it up! I am acting and dealing with frustration exactly like my 3 year old. How do I know this? Because she is simply doing what I'm doing. She's my little mirror. I'm not handling frustration well at all lately--and I am teaching her how NOT to handle it. She just may be more emotionally mature than her own mother.
So, the lesson here? Stop taking pictures when Sophie is crying. No really. I need to get a grip, take a chill pill, or have a drink for God's sake! What in the world am I taking life so seriously for? From now on it is my goal NOT to show bad examples of dealing with frustration to Sophie. I WILL show her what is a big deal and what isn't and the appropriate responses to both. I WILL change my reactions. After all, it is just milk-and it can always be cleaned up.
I WILL give her my love and comfort--even when I'm not giving her that ice cream cone she's crying for-or that toy that she desperately wants to play with. I bet she stops freaking out. I bet she learns that no matter what she get the best of me-as much as she needs. Let's keep our fingers crossed.
It sure has been a crazy couple of weeks!
Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek
15 comments:
Being a parent is SO difficult. It's, hands down, the hardest thing I've ever done. I hate to discipline, but it seems like I spend all my time doing just that. We all have those frustrating moments (I'm not nearly the great dad, that I thought I would be). But, I would say that as long as you can still keep some perspective you're doing okay. It sounds like you're doing fine to me.
I am dealing with the same issues with my 3 yr old son.
They are our mirrors at this age. And their little brains are like sponges. They remember everything we don't want them to and nothing we want them to.
HUGS
Ah, Susie. We ALL have these moments/days/weeks. Anyone who says different is LYING to you. Its hard not to react in frustration--I know, I've been doing the same thing lately.
When Isaac was about 4 he had a friend (who incidentally was also named Isaac). One day, I was driving the kids to our house and Isaac (mine) and I were bantering back and forth. About halfway through the car ride, Isaac2 said,
"Hey Cecily. What do you do when Isaac gets really mad?"
I grumbled some lame answer I'm sure.
Do you know what he said?
"When I get mad, my mom gives me a hug."
I felt about three inches high. And I learned a lesson I have NEVER forgotten. Do I always follow the lesson? Nope, but I sure do think about it and I TRY. Its all we can do, really. :)
My first thought was..What a great costume. My daughter loved to be dorothy!
My second thought was she is not happy in that picture.
My third thought was you really have a new insight about your daughters behavior.
My fourth thought was...it is great that you have a plan for trying to shape and mold the situations to be different and I applaud you! but also
My fifth thought was as a mom of young adults...not ALL of it is about you or anything you have done. We really just do the best we can every day and some days we may not respond perfectly but I think we do have to forgive ourselves and take the do-over. You get that the very next time your daughter smiles and makes another wonderful postive connection with you. I wish you many moments of do-overs and a positive response to all of the great things you are trying in order to help your daughter! Very impressive!
Hugs! I can feel your sadness. You are a good mom, and your love for your child is apparent. HUGS!
I wanted to point you towards a post I wrote last spring about keeping the emotion out of disipline. I am rather proud of it, and it sums up my parenting thoughts on this subject.
http://livingandlovingeveryminuteofit.blogspot.com/2008/03/we-are-in-this-together.html
You know something I noticed on the debates last night? Whenever one of them got mad--they SMILED! I might try that.
I really love your post, as the parent of five (soon to be six), it took me awhile to 'chill out' and realize just what you have written here. But now it has made life so much easier. Believe there are still times when I forget but it has made things easier! Your daughter is lucky to have you.
Oh, your picture didn't show up for me..
I am sorry you are going through this little stage with your daughter but it seems like you have some great ideas to help you both work through it..
I am right where you are. It's funny when your kids act up and frustrate you that if you take a good look to yourself that you are teaching them to behave just as they are. Good luck changing the behaviors in yourself and in Sophie. I know it is not an easy thing.
Parenthood is a growing learning experience that is never the same 2 days in a row! We get better as we learn from our mistakes and do our best to improve ourselves.
Girl, I have been THERE and my daughter is only 15 months old! I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself that she is watching, copying me, looking to me for the rules on how to act in life. That's why I changed the title of my blog a few months ago -- to remind myself that she's always there, always watching and listening to EVERYTHING I say.
It sounds like you are really trying to be aware of that too. Maybe, if we keep it all in the forefront of our minds, we'll be able to be the examples we want to be.
By the way, my PSF is finally up!
We all have days like that. Just knowing that you love her will make the difference.
And that really is an adorable costume!
Oh friend, please know like others said EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US have days like that and the good news is that tomorrow is a new chance for a new day.
SHE IS adorable. I LOVE that costume!
I know exactly how you feel it has been that marry go round here the last month or so. I had the epiphany too.
lovely post - now what does that book say about a 6, almost 7 year old boy who cries and cries and cries and cries some more if he doesn't get what it is he wants when he wants it??
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