This has got to be the saddest picture I have ever taken. Not because she's not adorable in her new Halloween costume, because she totally is, but because Sophie is just so sad behind that smile. I can't think about it too much, or I start to cry. Sophie isn't really smiling here. She's smiling through very real tears. She was trying to put on a brave face--because her mommy was mad at her. My heart is seriously breaking.
For the past week or two, anytime Sophie doesn't get what she wants, she starts to cry and walks away and has a 'mini' fit. She doesn't throw herself down and have full-blown temper tantrums, but she makes 'mad' faces and clenches her fists and goes and sits away from me or whoever is bothering her. She's not asking for help-or simply choosing something else-and her frustration is truly getting the best of her.
In this picture, Sophie was so sad because she was comparing her shoes (which were 2 sizes too big) to the giant pumpkin on the window. She was trying to tell me how big they were on her feet-like how big the pumpkin looked on the window. I was so focused on trying to take her picture in her new costume that I got confused about what in the world she was talking about and really upset her. Her frustration thresh-hold is unusually low and it took me some time to figure out that my frustration thresh-hold is even lower than hers.
Thankfully, I am finally aware of it. Whenever I encounter a parenting problem -in any area -I consult my smart love book. It reminded me that when my child is frustrated I need to react with loving regulation and comfort until the frustration subsides--not anger or withdrawal of my love and attention-and certainly not harsh words and consequences~that's demeaning. Only in this way can she learn how to deal with life's ups and downs while simultaneously experiencing the esteem-boosting type of loving relationship she has with me at all times. Otherwise I run the risk of teaching her that I want her to be upset when she gets frustrated with others OR that her frustrated feelings are OK--when in fact they are not. They are normal, but not OK--I sure don't want her to walk around frustrated all the time.
Well, you know what I have been doing lately?
Sophie: Mommy, I want more candy!
Me: Sorry Sophie-you'll get a tummyache.
Then -- when she cries I get all mad that she isn't understanding and accepting. Ew. I get mad because she is mad. This is just when she is upset. When I'm frustrated? Um, I clench my fists, make my mean face and stomp away. Seriously! Holy cow! I am the one crying over the spilled milk--because I'm the one who has to clean it up! I am acting and dealing with frustration exactly like my 3 year old. How do I know this? Because she is simply doing what I'm doing. She's my little mirror. I'm not handling frustration well at all lately--and I am teaching her how NOT to handle it. She just may be more emotionally mature than her own mother.
So, the lesson here? Stop taking pictures when Sophie is crying. No really. I need to get a grip, take a chill pill, or have a drink for God's sake! What in the world am I taking life so seriously for? From now on it is my goal NOT to show bad examples of dealing with frustration to Sophie. I WILL show her what is a big deal and what isn't and the appropriate responses to both. I WILL change my reactions. After all, it is just milk-and it can always be cleaned up.
I WILL give her my love and comfort--even when I'm not giving her that ice cream cone she's crying for-or that toy that she desperately wants to play with. I bet she stops freaking out. I bet she learns that no matter what she get the best of me-as much as she needs. Let's keep our fingers crossed.
It sure has been a crazy couple of weeks!
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